The Kuala Lumpur Low Cost Carrier Terminal didn’t bother me that much when we arrived in Kuala Lumpur. Little did I realise what a bothersome place it could be.

Breakfast at La Bodega

Our last day in Kuala Lumpur started at La Bodega, a Spanish influenced eatery in the nearby Bangsar. I had been gunning for a western breakfast for a few days now, longing to start my day with something more traditional in my stomach. The eggs, sausages and toast was a treat that I savored very slowly. Julia put her breakfast together from the ala cart menu and ordered a heap of mushrooms, making her as content as a bear with a honey pot.

We had allocated some time this morning for rummaging through the little boutiques in Bangsar, which we previously either skipped or only gave a quick running through.

At breakfast I suddenly had an epiphany and downloaded the game Snakes onto my cellphone. For the rest of the morning I was the most amicable straight male shopping sidekick that the shopping world has ever seen. No matter how many shops Julia managed to wonder into, I was there every time, smiling, playing my game of Snakes while she shopped her little heart out.

It proved quite fruitful too, as she added several items to our ever-growing load of luggage. By early afternoon we returned home to sort out our packing. It took us a while, and we managed to properly fill the empty bags with which we came. We tried to estimate how much our luggage would weigh, as AirAsia, we knew, loves to charge for excess baggage. I estimated our load to be less than 30kgs, putting it around 26kgs. Julia feared we had more than that.

Jon the Brother’s house mate was at home in the middle of the day for reasons he didn’t specify and as we left for the station he offered us a lift, saving us the taxi fare. He dropped us off at the Central Station where we crossed the road and boarded the bus, heading to the Kuala Lumpur Low Cost Carrier Terminal at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport. I looked forward to catching a snooze on the way there.

On the road to the Low Cost Carrier Terminal (LCCT)

Unfortunately for me the bus was quite full and I had to sit across the isle from Julia. Even more unfortunately for me, I sat next to a rather chatty English bloke who had been out of touch with foreigners for the previous two weeks and took this time to try and strike up as many inane conversations as he could fit in the increasingly long journey to the airport.

My torture had started.

At the Low Cost Carrier Terminal, which we reached after a good 90 minutes on he bus, we had to dig our luggage out from underneath the bus. When they load the AirAsia Sky bus, they are very kind and take your luggage to stash it deep in the bowls of the luggage area of the bus. However, where the bus stops there is nobody to assist you to get your luggage, so you are left alone to dig through other bags and find your own - mine was so deep in underneath the bus, my whole body was inside the luggage are trying to find it.

Eventually, bag in hands, we entered the airport terminal. Slightly bigger, but pretty much as bare as the Kota Kinabalu Terminal two, the Kuala Lumpur Low Cost Carrier Terminal smacks of low budget. At least a McDonalds is feaured here, alongside an Asian fast food place and a convenience store selling all manner of bits and bops. We decided to head straight for the check in, even though we had about two hours before the flight - we wanted to get it over with.

AirAsia - Long lines, delayed flights, small seats. But you don’t pay enough to complain.

This turned out to be a very good call as the queues were absolutely humongous. I went up to somebody sitting behind a closed counter to ask if we could stand in any queue, or if it had to be the one for our specific flight. They said it’s specific, so we joined two, very very long queues lined up in front of the Kota Kinabalu desks staffed by 2 grumpy looking check-in staff. The row progressed really sluggishly until the check-in staff encountered somebody checking-in what could have been a group of 15. The row stalled and time passed, slowly.

After 40 minutes in the queue it was our turn and the lady behind the check-in desk looked visibly pissed off. “Tough day so far, hu?”, I quipped trying to break the ice for what might be negotiations for over-weight luggage. She didn’t respond, nor made eye contact.

I plunked our bags on the weighing conveyor belts. We watched the display intently, waiting for it to settle. Our combined bags weighed 29.8kgs and we were relieved for having escaped excess charges. In my backpack I carried a a stand-up lamp that we bought at Ikea, plus the two boxes of South African juice, and I was sure my backpack alone weighed another 15kgs. I was hoping they wouldn’t check it (it wasn’t big, just heavy).

With our bags finally checked in we had a few minutes to find something to eat, as we had left before we had any lunch. We opted to not have McDonalds and went for the Asian food instead. We gobbled the very fast-foody food down and went through the check in.

While I was packing, I remember putting the potato peeler I bought in my check-in bag, because I didn’t want to them to take it from me (in case they think I can hijack a a plane with a potato peeler). I didn’t, however, put my Ikea cutlery set in my check-in bags, and I really can’t explain why this didn’t cross my mind. As we went into the departure area, I sent my backpack through the scanner. “Can you please open your bag, sir?”, the gent watching the scanner asked me.

“Sure,” I said, completely oblivious. As he walked up, I whipped open the bag revealing it’s contents. “A light, two boxes of juice, cutlery set and some electronics for recharging the phone and camera,” I said, giving him a guided tour of the contents of my bag. He moved a few items around and then simply said “Ok”, turned around and went back to work in front of the screen.

Only as I zipped up the bag and saw the cutlery set, featuring six knives, did I realise what had just happened. Luckily, the set wasn’t confiscated, and we talked about how stupid I was for putting it in my backpack in any case. Fair enough that they were only dinner knives and is incapable of cutting anything more than a cooked lamb chop, but still.

Anyway, in front of our departure gate we found not that many seats. Apparently there is a seat shortage at the Kuala Lumpur Low Cost Carrier Terminal. We browsed around a few shops, but found nothing interesting. So we stood back in front of the gate and waited for our flight, which came not too long after that. Whilst we were in the row, two young boys come from nowhere and pushed in right in front of us by simply standing next to the family that was ahead of us.

“Hey,” I said softly, touching the one guy on his shoulder. He looked around and said “yeah?”. I said “is this your family?”, pointing to the man next to him. “No,” he said. “Do you know them?”, I quizzed him further. “No,” he replied again. “Then what,” I continued in my eerily calm but earnest voice, “are you doing standing there?”. He looked at his mate as if I suddenly spoke in Yiddish. “The line,” I said adjusting my glasses, feeling like Horatio Cane delivering his line in CSI: Miami, “is back there”. The young guy looked around as if I just showed him something he didn’t previously know existed and raised his eyebrows as if to say “oh”. They left for the back of the line.

I was agro enough for having to stand (not enough seats), and for the plane being late (no surprise there). Having wise-ass boys push the line was a little much.

I dread getting on to AirAsia planes, least of all because I know those girls from their adverts will be nowhere near our flight. I dread it because I know I will get a shit seat. I mean, seats on AirAsia are always shit for me by mere virtue of the fact that the distance between the back of the seat I’m sitting on and the back of the seat in front of me, is exactly equal to the distance from my back to my knee. This means I fit into their seats exactly, with no space to move.

But what I was dreading was getting one of the shittier than usual seats. One that permanently reclines, or one with a broken arm, or something than makes it exceptionally shit. Perhaps this is a self fulfilling prophecy, if you believe in visualization and stuff like that, because true as Bob, Julia and I selected some of the last available seats next to each other and I ended up getting the second shittiest seat on the flight. Julia got the shittiest seat on the flight.

It amazes me how AirAsia can claim to operate the most modern fleet of Airbus aircraft in the world. Where are these modern airplanes? They must be flying on routes other than what I choose, because damn, the plane on the KL - KK route is dilapidated. I can only hope that the mechanics that work on the outside of the plane is more attentive than those work on the in side.

My seat, as well as the people in front of me, was unable to stay upright. Sure, we all propped our seat backs up to start with, but the hydrolics were obviously gone, as they would gradually return to the reclined position. A seat in the reclined position means that I have less space, and because I have exactly as much space as I need to fit in to start with, having less space than that makes it kind of uncomfortable - not a nice prospect for a 2.5 hour flight.

But I was lucky. Not only did Julia have a permanently reclined chair in front of her, but her tray table’s latch was broken and held up by a wad of newspaper. Most modern Airbus fleet my ass - charge me RM20 extra on my flight and ensure I get an unbroken seat for crying in a bucket.

Luckily we bought a pack of cards and we played games during the flight, making it feel much shorer than it actually was. We also sneaked a few snacks on board and chowed those while they were serving food from their trolley.

Phyllis picked us up from the airport in Kota Kinabalu, a happy reunion. It’s been a long, but good holiday and it’s good to be back in KK. Now to face the dread of going back to the rut once more.

Next time I will really try to book my flights way in advance and see if I can get something on an alternative airline. Airasia is cheap, sure, but damn it’s cheap.

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