I woke up feeling rough this morning in spite of not drinking much. It’s the Chang, said some people, so I vow to stay away from Chang. It’s difficult, it has 6.5 % alcohol, so it’s more for less, I feel.

We tossed the Ultimate disc around a little bit last night before it got completely dark and then sat on Soi Bangla watching people go past.  At first we were sitting in a dingy pub called U2 watching pretty made up girls walk past heading to some or other festival on the beach.  There were a fair few ladyboys amongst them too.  We walked down to the beach a few times, but returned as it started raining, only for it to have stopped by the time we got halfway up Soi Bangla.

We eventually figured it must only be raining at the beach and chose an Aussie sports bar, sitting a little higher than road level with a great view for people watching.  Why is there always an Aussie bar everywhere?  I curse my countrymen for not opening up South African bars all over the place.  Anyway, they had South African Supersport Channels on the big screen, so I guess that’s a compromise.

So back to this morning; I woke up long before Julia, had breakfast and sat working in the downstairs cafe of the Little Budha Guest house. They have a plug point, which I don’t think is meant for guests, but which I used anyway. Bonus.

Spice up your day and go chili all the way

Around lunch time I went up to find Julia awake already and we headed to the No.6 Restaurant for a chili lunch. We had a huge lunch – Tom Yum soup, Kra Pow Moo, Cashew Nut Chicken and rice – all seemingly flaming hot. And we swirled it down with some legendary banana shakes, so really heavy stuff.

I did my thing at Coffee World again (buying a beer for access) and Julia did hers (sans the beer).

The day flew past and by the time she returned for me it was already well past dark. We strolled around the byways and sideways of Patong looking for Mexican (again, it’s not so exotic, but you don’t find a decent Mexican place in Kota Kinabalu, so it’s a treat fo us).

Bananas Tacos is where we had some seriously good food and OK banana margaritas too. The portions where gigantic and the side dishes and sauces were colourful. The food was reasonably priced, but the alcohol was a bit on the expensive side, considering the size of the serving.

On the menu amongst the cocktails, they had a Sweat Sock for THB5 and when I asked what it was the waitress said it is exactly what it says and the owner will come and strain it for you himself. She returned however saying he’s not wearing any socks today, so I had to do without.

Stuffed to the max we went for a long stroll via Bangla Road. On the way through and on the way back we were hassled by dozens of touts asking us to view a Tiger Show, which is probably better known as a ‘pussy show’. We brushed them off, because we were going to save this experience for Bangkok.

Soi Sea Dragon off Bangla Road

On the way back from our long stroll we turned into one of the soi’s (or side streets), called Soi Sea Dragon and we sat at a bar, which looked fun and didn’t have any old, white men being accosted by bar girls – Rock In Dice Bar, it was called and a friendly woman named “Mam” approached us and offered us drinks – I got a Chung at THB90 and Julia got a Bacardi Breezer at THB150.

Turns out the theme of the bar is games and at first we played Julia’s favourite – Connect Four. After I lost as many times as I was prepared to lose, we played Jenga. They also have a game probably called Nails or something. It’s a big slab of wood with four hammers. But the hammer-heads are pointed, rather than round and flat, so it makes it difficult to hit the nail. The game is set up by one of the bar girls who hammers in 4 nails just enough so they can stand by themselves.

The winner is the first person to completely knock in the nail – it goes around and everybody gets a 1 hit, so it takes a bit of skill and and lots of luck to get it done first. I think ideally it would be a drinking game, possibly designed to get the punters to consume more drinks, but the girls were friendly and played with everybody just for fun.

Anyway, as we played we noticed we were sitting opposite one of these Tiger Show places. During the time we sat there throngs of tourists, both men and women, single, in couples and in groups, poured into the small shop, stayed awhile and then came out again, each with a different look on their face – some bemused, some horrified, some indifferent.

Mam urged us to go have a look and explained to us how it works. There is a short ‘pussy show‘ (as she referred to it) during which a woman will do all sorts of things on stage – shoot ping-balls or bananas from her vagina, pull lines of razor-blades from there, stick a pen up there and write things on paper or use a blow-pipe in there to shoot darts and pop balloons – all by using her well developed kegel muscles. The show itself is probably 10 – 15 minutes long and starts when the shop is full.

In between these shows there are 3 pretty girls on stage, just dancing by moving from one foot to the next – nothing exciting. When you pop in to have a look, you are meant to see these pretty girls and assume they are the ones that will be performing. However, once you sit down and you order a drink and the show starts, the actual ‘star’ of the show is a not-too-pretty, stubby woman who is so fat that her vagina is little more than a hairy slit.

It’s true that there is no cover charge to the show (which the touts use to rope you in), but you have to order a drink from a menu and there are two menus. The one menu is given to people who arrive with a tout. The tout gets commission, so the drinks prices on that menu are all THB500 or over. If you walk in by yourself, you still have to buy an expensive drink, but you get the menu on which the drinks are THB300 and over, as no touts need to get paid.

It’s just so-so, she said, but as a tourist probably worth a look. Armed with near-insider information, we waited until the little shop was nearly packed with tourist and then slipped in ourself. And it went exactly as she said. The shop was deep and narrow, probably no more than 5 meters wide. One side had two levels of seats, and the other a stage. It was crammed with tourists, perhaps up to 50, all giggling and feeling awkward – luckily the lighting was fairly dim. We both ordered a beer for THB30 each and sipped it slowly – the whole ‘show’ lasted about 10 minutes and then the crow cleared.

We were prepared to stay for a second round in case we missed possibly more outrageous tricks, but the shop stayed empty for too long and we went back to seats at the bar across the lane. Not long after we called it a night.

No matter how much you read up on a place, chances are you’ll get there and find a few things different to what you expected.

So, here I am in Patong, having worried myself an ulcer about things like hotel accommodation availability and warnings that it gets seriously busy.  Everything books out on the Internet, I was told. Not so, because there’s a host of budget hostels and hotels and more upmarket hotels to choose from.

Anyway, travelers are generous people, so here is my top travel tips for a terrific time in paTong.

Accommodation

• Phuket has low, medium, high and peak season.  The boundaries of these seasons may depend on which part of Phuket you find yourself in.  November is medium season, and apparently any day now it’s going to go into high season. Peak season starts somewhere in December.
• When you walk into a hotel, ask for the price for one night first.  Then negotiate the price down.  When it can’t go any further, tell them how long you’re staying – there’s usually an additional discount if you’re staying 3 or more nights.
• Behind the Jung Ceylon Shopping Centre is what looks to be a relatively new strip of accommodations (where the other Starbucks is, the one that is not at the front of the mall).  Off season you can get THB 500 per night (or less for more nights) or even in high season we negotiated THB600 for 4 consecutive nights at the Little Buddha Guest House.

Alcohol & Bars

• Beer in Carrefour cost THB 25 for a can THB 35 for a small bottle.  Alco-pops like Smirnoff Ice or Bacardi Breezers are THB50. A big bottle of Tiger is THB59 at 711 and THB49 at Family Mart.

Transport

• Tuk-tuks may be the alleged cheapest form of transport, but they charge a set fee regardless of the distance.  Walk; it offsets the cheap beer.  Also, its per tuk-tuk, not person, so find some friends and share the cost.
• If you’re walking, it’s beneficial to move around in couples.  Taxis / tuk-tuk / t-shirt / tailor touts hassle women less when they’re with men, and the hordes of ladies offering massage hassle men (don’t grab at all) less when they’re with a woman.

Internet Access

• Starbucks doesn’t have free wireless.  It’s better to discover this BEFORE you buy a coffee.  They provide wireless through a third party who will charge you THB 150 per hour.
• One place I discovered with free wireless, other than the hotel where you stay, is at the Jung Ceylon Shopping Centre. Coffee World is a collection of outlets. Simply buy anything from Pizza Corner, New York Deli, Coffee World or Cream and Fudge Fudge Factory and settle down to otherwise free-but-relatively-slow wi fi access.  They also have workstations in the corner, not sure if they charge for this. Annoyingly, there’s no plug-points inside.

People

• Some lady boys are hotter than the girls.  Lady boys have Adam’s apples – unless they’ve had it shaved down. Then you’re in trouble.  But they always have big/rough hands and feet. Pay attention and here it pays to be a good listener and let her talk until you’re confident it’s not a male voice in disguise.  They also walk with a confidence that borders on arrogance, which you won’t see in the Thai women.
• Top Tip: Get to know a lady (and confirm the fact) before you start to drink.  Life-time nightmares (and ridicule when your mates find out) are to be had when the morning glory you wake up with isn’t yours.
• People who come into contact with other people’s genitals in exchange for money do not consider themselves prostitutes; they think of themselves as breadwinners, because their earnings will likely feed a family somewhere.
• Bar Girls, whether they are working girls or not, have health books and by law are required to have an STD and AIDS test done every 2 weeks (we were there 1 night during a fortnightly health inspection).  Of course, this does not mean it’s OK to have unprotected sex with them (a lot can happen in 2 weeks), however, freelancers or the working girls on the road not attached to bars, avoid this health requirement altogether. Draw your own conclusions.

Tiger Shows (Ping Pong Shows)

• It’s a soft rip-off and not really worth it, unless for a laugh. When you peak in to have a look first, relatively good-looking (clothed) girls will be dancing on stage in-between shows.  When showtime starts, they disappear and a usually not-too-attractive and relatively heavy (fat) woman will appear to do the tricks.
• We tried the show in Soi Sea Dragon, opposite Rock In Dice bar. There’s no cover charge, but the drink prices are much more expensive to make up for this.
• If you walk in without a tout having brought you, you will get a menu from which a beer (in our case) costs THB 300.  If you arrive with a tout, you’ll get a menu on which the same beer is THB 500, because the tout works on commission.

With loads of time to spare we made our way to the LCCT at KLIA and check in for our international flight. The flight was pleasant and short, and we even gained an hour on the way there (Thailand is an our behind Malaysia). We had finally arrived in Patong, Phuket.

Our contact in Patong said when you get to the airport, ignore the touts, walk out and left and find yourself a metered taxi. We did exactly that and ended up at the far end of the terminal, which was quiet and nothing going on. Wrong advice, we realised.

We made our way back to the right side of the terminal and had to dodge touts, which were quite aggressive, actually grabbing my arm and pulling me, something that immediately made me defensive – it prepared me for what was to come. We eventually found the metered cabs and after mere moments we were heading to Patong, which ended up being about a 40 minute drive.

Our first stop was the Club Andaman Beach Resort, but the corner next to it, which is where Dive The World’s dive shop is located. We had sorted out our first night of accommodation through them and, courtesy of our friend Gav, were going to get help finding the best deals for diving in Phuket and possibly a liveaboard too.

Checking in to the Lamai Inn

After that we went to the Lamai Inn Hotel in the centre of Patong, which is where we were going to spend our first night. It was a little above what we wanted to pay, but the room was nice enough. It had a view – although that view was one of the main roads of Patong, which is still a lot better than the view of a brick wall or having no window.

Everything in the room was fine, except the hot water didn’t work. Patong was hot and steamy, so we didn’t miss the hot water all that much. We had a glimpse as to what the room was often used for when we discovered an assortment of condoms (in M, L and XL) and some suspicious stains on the bed cover.

We then set out on the mission after which Tour D’ Tom Yum was named: eating Tom Yum soup. In fact, our mission was to have at least 1 bowl of Tom Yum soup every day. We get the stuff in Kota Kinabalu, but, of course, it’s nowhere near as nice as it is in Thailand – thus the mission.

Turning left out of the Lamai Inn, we found a suitably non-touristy looking restaurant (we were really just kidding ourselves) where we ordered our first bowl of spicy Tom Yum soup. We also ordered what would become another often-eaten-dish, Kra Pow Moo (if you can say it without thinking of a karate chopping cow, then you’ve got no imagination) – roughly translated as Basil Pork, it is in fact lightly fried pork with chillies and basil.

I often reminisce about how the Extra Hot Peri Peri Nando’s in South Africa was so hot it could make me cry – I relived those memories when this Kra Pow Moo had tears streaming down my face and was burning my eyeballs from the inside. Good shit!

Patong’s Newest Shiniest Shopping Centre – JungCeylon

Later in the day our explorations uncovered JungCeylon – a big, multi-part shopping centre with pretty much anything you could want, including a Carre Four supermarket that sells, amongst other things, beers at THB 25 per can and THB49 per bottle. Bacardi Breezers and Smirnoff Ice where also dirt cheap. We also found a cinema and booked tickets for Quantum of Solace that evening.

The Starbucks, would I discover, had no free Internet access. Although Patong is blanket covered by at least 2 operators and Starbucks does have wifi, none of it is free and prices are in the region of what Starbucks charges at about THB 150 per hour.

Coffee World, far left on the main road as you stand facing JungCeylon, has free wifi, provided you buy a drink from them or any of the other outlets in this mini-food court, which includes ice-cream, pizza, beer and another stall I never paid any attention to.

The catch is that inside the shop there are now power outlets. Actually, I think there might be one, but what I assume was the manager constantly occupied this slot. Outside on the pillars, however, there are power points, but only a few seats are decently protect from the sun and weather.

We also discovered an area behind the shopping centre, past the market and the food stalls, that has cheaper accommodation and we booked our remaining nights in Patong at the Little Buddha Guest House for THB500 per night. They have free wifi, but it didn’t reach up to the 4th floor where we stayed though, but it was fine in the cafe downstairs (and apparently up to the 2nd floor).

So, after some work from my side and shopping from Julia’s side, our first day in Patong ended very sensibly with dinner, a movie and an early night. Undoubtedly the more debaucherous side of Patong was to reveal itself to us soon.