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Sex Sells and Shopping Makes You Horny

My recent shopping trip to Kuala Lumpur reminded me that sex sells. And shopping makes you horny. Well, it makes me horny.

On many of the days I went shopping, the days started out innocent and normal. I’m not an adolescent teenager at the mercy of my hormones (anymore), but I have urges, you understand? And yes, like males tend to do, my mind reacts to stimuli (and by extension… oh never mind).

Anyway, many a shopping day left me slightly toey. The shopping experience itself wasn’t really stimulating, in fact, it was quite tiring, so I was perplexed by this phenomena. I therefore had to analyse it to get behind the reason that shopping made me horny.

The world of shopping, as is the world of fashion magazines and other channels where beauty is thrust upon us, is littered with subliminal and frankly in-your-face messages. We, as consumers, are constantly reminded that if we don’t wear this item and purchase this accessory, we’ll die virgins. Ugly virgins at that, because heaven forbid you don’t buy the cosmetics of the moment, you’ll live a horribly ugly, unwanted, virginal existence.

And of course, brands are not going to come out straight and say “buy our brand and get laid”. Oh no, the messages are much more sublime than that. And, apart from Calvin Klein, nobody is going to show you pictures of people having sex, or nearly having sex, wearing their brand either. Nope, nowadays the messages are in the brand names itself, and that’s whats making me horny.

Spade - a subliminal sexual reference, not just a clothing line.So it was then that I arrived at 1Utama one fine morning, perfectly not horny. The first shop I happened to walk in to was called Spade. Quite innocent in my non-horny state, but it’s obscene meaning (look at no.4) registered deep down in my subconsciously horny mind and subliminally set the ball(s) rolling.

Wear our clothes and you’ll be invited to get involved in more than just one Romp.I walked around the corner, the feeling of amour nibbling at the outer reaches of my subconscious mind, when I saw the next sex infested brand name; Romp. No prizes for guessing what romp means. Suddenly my mind was turned on. After you spade somebody, you might just end up in a romp.

If a romp wasn’t good enough, what about a couple of roots?With my mind totally not focused on shopping anymore, the messages were suddenly very overt. Before I knew what happened, I had walked in to Roots. Root is a not-so-ambiguous Aussie/Kiwi term, meaning… well, look it up. I was frankly stunned by how previously subtle sexual references suddenly clouded my tuned-in mind, the world of retail, I realised, is a veritable whore house.

Pssst! Hey, wanna FCUK?Ready to be surprised by nothing any longer, the most obvious of the branded-for-sex brands loomed larger than life in front of me. FCUK needs no link to an explanation, because what the modern marketing executives of French Connection UK had in mind when they started pushing this particular abbreviated version of their brand, is no secret. Testosterone flushed my system and a feeling, not unlike that which urges a dog to hump the nearest leg, crept down my spine.

The next few brands I encountered was the climax to an erotic shopping spree that would have left me wanting a smoke, was I a smoker. First I stumbled across this 8 foot poster of a plunging neck line, cleavage looming large. From nowhere, 12-inch Sausage appeared. I must have gotten dizzy, possibly passed out and fell over, because when I regained my senses I looked up, and all I saw was Seed.

There’s no way around this.  It’s there, in your face, you can’t help but look and you’ll probably walk straight into it.  On purpose.You’ve been stimulated, like foreplay, you’re horny, unavoidably so, and then you find yourself with a 12-inch sausage.Whenever you’re spent, there’s Seed.

With my limbs tingly, my legs feeling like jelly and my face all flushed, I headed for the nearest exit to remove myself from the sexually charged world of retail.

I felt tired and, dare I say, spent.

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