Freaky Food Fexperiences

Yes, the title is misspelled, but on purpose, it’s too late at night (early in the morning) to figure out how to better make the alliteration work. And I do so adore amiable alliteration action.

I scanned the content of my 1mpx wonder phone today and realised I’ve been taking quite a number of food-related shots. So this post is dedicated to the freaky food fexperiences that I had around Kota Kinabalu recently.

Freaky Fish Fotos

Pssst. Hey, I said pssst! Come of here, let me give you the eye… and the head.Batfish.  Where’s the bat-mobile when you need it.I was browsing for nothing in particular at the Giant at City Mall the other day when I walked passed the fresh fish section and I swear this fish said “psssst”. I turned around looked square into a fish face. He didn’t blink. I didn’t blink. We stood there for a good 60 second show down. But finally I had to blink – besides, it’s a fish – even if it wasn’t dead and just a head, it still would have won (because fish have no… ah, never mind). I had a bit of gander to see what other colourful and wonderful sea-life the fish counter had, and there was plenty.

Sabah has some of the best dive sites in the world; Layang Layang, Sipadan, Mabul. But you won’t be seeing these fish there anymore. The head likely belonged to a barracuda and that’s a school of batfish – I’ve seen both types whilst diving and they were beautiful and alive, so it’s a little disconcerting seeing them like this. Fish is good for you, but I eat it pretending not to know how it’s caught or what it looks like before it arrives on my dinner table covered in a light and tangy soya sauce.

Bird Nest’s Drink

Bird Nest in a can.  Why didn’t I think of that?Light, refreshing, hits the spot when it’s chilled and the day is hot and it has a host of curative abilities. That being as it may, I just can’t see this product taking off anywhere else other than in Asia. Bird’s nest is a highly sought after commodity that sells for hundreds per gram. It’s hell difficult to obtain as it’s usually harvested from impossibly high cave roofs by people who literally risk life and limb to get what is essentially bird spit.

Bird nest, in this context, is the gooey saliva of a particular type of swift common in these parts of the world. The nest is built entirely out of their spit with the odd bit of feather, twig, leaf and a good dollop of bird shit. The nests are then plucked, cleaned and sold to gullible people who believe in its curative properties and ability to give rock solid erections – or was the rhino horn, or abalone, or turtle, or ginseng… I lose track.

And now you no longer have to cook up a soup and wait until dinner time to get your bird nest fix. Nope, simply crack open a cold one and instantly gratify your bird nest craving. Aaaah!

Magic Flavors

Feed it to little kids and watch them magically bounce off the walls.These biscuits are magic for various reason. Nothing other than magic would enable the biscuit to contain as many e-number preservatives, flavour enhancers, stabilisers, colorants and god-knows-what-else as it does. It can also magically induce virtual diabetes mellitus as it prompts a flood of insulin from the body to deal with the aforementioned. If you magically want to fall asleep due to low blood sugar, just chew one of these after you had a long day at work and only a small meal for lunch.

Micro Portions of Fatty Desserts – They’re doing you a favour!

It’s as big as a 50c coin, but is it work it? Oh no, much much much much more.This was one of those scary experiences that puts me off ala carte or menus without pictures. I was at a well known 5-star hotel, middle of the night, coffee and dessert and chose the cheese cake. Hmmm, cheese cake. And at RM 20 a pop I was expecting a decent portion – I mean, it’s a five star hotel, sure, so it’s expensive already, compared to a chunk of cheese cake I could get at Starbucks or Coffee Bean for RM12. When the plate arrived with crumbs on it and I was told that the crumbs were in fact the cheese cake, I heard the flushing of a toilet and my money kinking around the loo bowl on it’s way down.

But at least it was heavenly, divine and the best cheese cake I’ve ever had and certainly the king of cheese cakes in all of Kota Kinabalu, right? Right!? Er… no – it was disappointingly average.

Hantzel & Gretel – Quintessentially Christmas

Nice to look at, nice to hold, but if you take a bite you little shit, consider it sold!My 1mpx wonder again fails to capture the edibility of the subject matter. *sigh*In another 5-star hotel in a country far far away from you (but very near me), there once lived a wicked witch. The wicked witch lived in a ginger bread house, which was perfect. Perfect from a marketing perspective, because comes Christmas when they want to sell Christmas biscuits and cookies and stuff, what better than to build a ginger-bread house and sell ginger cookies and biscuits from the house. Never mind of course that Hantzel and Gretel had nothing to do with Christmas and that Santa Claus has nothing to do with ginger bread, or biscuits, save for the plateful that he shoves down his gullet at every other house where he delivers those damn presents.

But I digress. That’s it for this freakishly feisty food furore.


  • Ivy

    30 November 2007 at 11:57

    I’ve tried one of those bird’s nest drinks and you’re right, the texture was kinda gooey. I liked it’s taste though. As for Magic flakes, i tend to eat a lot of them when i’m dieting lol….. Especially cheesecakes, fat-free, sugar-free, low-carb, high-fat, whatever, I’ll take them anyday 🙂

  • 1Earth

    30 November 2007 at 20:16

    Heehee Ivy – Magic flakes, diet food? Aargh!! I guess you can get away with murder (and cheesecake, and even Magic flakes) when you're active and burning all the rubbish off 😉

    Me, I sit on my butt all day at work and all night at home working the computer and riding the roller coaster that is my fragile, green-tea infused, blood-sugar level. One Magic flake and it's hands in the air and wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  • Denise S

    10 September 2008 at 16:27

    You have given such a wonderful description of the Bird's Nest drink that I just cannot imagine myself ever trying it! Really enjoyed this post and your writing is superb.

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