Bemoaning my problems to King last night, I told him the Ex had phoned earlier that day. “She said she phoned wanting to talk about my son wanting to come or not”, I said, “but I think she really phoned to make sure I wasn’t taking a job in her city.”
He was puzzled and asked why she would have to make sure of that after I told her I won’t. “It’s complicated.” I said, “As a safety measure she firsts assumes I’m lying, but also subconsciously she knows what I will do anyway”, I offered as an explanation of how her mind works.
“You see, whether I lie or tell the truth, she will still think what she thinks, try to prove it, and even if she fails continue to think what she thinks”, I continued, “but thinking that I will go there, even though I tell her I won’t, is actually a good way for her to get used to the idea.”
Which is true. Secretly, I think, she knows I just want to be close to my son, she knows she can’t stop me to live in her city and she can’t really execute her threats of leaving either. She has too much there to just pack up and go. She’s not me, after all.
That didn’t stop her phoning me and going off about it again though. This afternoon, my phone rang. I saw it was her number, and knew why she phoned me.
“Why do I have this feeling that you’re going to come work here?” was her greeting and fulfillment of my prophecy to King. “I don’t know, why do you?” I asked innocently.
“Because of how you answered me last night.” She was referring to our conversation where I had not directly said ‘no’ when she asked me whether or not I was going to come work there.
I have to admit, my lying needs work. It’s never been very good. Ever since childhood, people who know me would be able to tell from my face when I was lying. It’s in my voice too. I actually mostly gave up lying, because often my truth is so hard to believe that it’s as effective as lying.
“So”, I said, avoiding a direct answer again, “what is the issue if I did come to work there?” This is one she hasn’t been able to answer directly. “Because I’m here!” I didn’t feel like what I knew what was coming. “This place is too small, why are you so selfish!?”
Explaining how it’s actually her being selfish would have been fun, because, damn, she gets worked up about this issue. I avoided it though, not feeling particularly sarcastic or sadistic.
“But your other boyfriends are there, why don’t they bother you?” Her longest boyfriend was of 7 years, so I don’t even come close to that. “Because”, she says sounding like the rain pouring down at height of the monsoon season, “we were married and you’re going to come here and mess up my life!!”. I persisted, not having obtained a real answer, “Yes, but how do you think I will do that?”
She continued articulating much the same words, which weren’t answers before either, at a volume unbecoming of a normal conversation. I didn’t reply, removing the phone from my ear to listen to her go on from a distance. After a minute or so, I guess, having vented, she hung up.
My intentions are noble, I hope that eventually she will realise that I just want to be close to my son.