Do I really want to stay in China?
If yes, why? Do I want to stay because I like it here? I don’t like this particular city that much. Is it the money? No, the money is actually quite shit. Do I want to stay because I want to learn more Chinese? Maybe. Or do I want to stay for a woman?
If yes, why? Am I that much in love with her? Yes. Am I blinded by that love? Perhaps. Is she really worth it? Possibly. Is the way she is treating me part of the culture and is just someting I have to understand? Yes, it’s similar to before, and similar to the Ex, the more I know the more I understand. Is living here for the rest of my life really someting I want to do? Could be, there are lots of opportunities.
If ‘no’ to the ‘stay here for a woman’ question, then it must be one of the other reasons.
If ‘no’ to the ‘stay in China’ question… where do I want to go? Home? And do what? Do I want to go to Malaysia? Everyone wants a university degree, I don’t have one… will I be able to gain employment? Yes, if I search hard enough. Employment as what? A teacher? Do I really want to teach for the rest of my life? Yes, why not – at the moment I’m just a bit disillusioned with the students at this school.
Perhaps, if I teach older students I will be ok. Perhaps, if I teach students with a slightly better command of English I will be ok. Perhaps if I teach students who actually want to learn something I will be ok.
To bring my son to China is expensive. I can save some money, only to blow it on flights. Is that how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? Yes, unless, of course, I move back to KK. Can I really do that? No. Why not? Live in the same small city with the Ex, er… quite possible, or not. So what’s the solution? Hardship. Hardship for me for the rest of my life.
Unless I become wealthy, and then it won’t be a problem to fly around. I have to work hard. I’m lazy. I have to work harder. Start a business, make some money, save.
Live life, work hard, retire young.
Can you tell my head is full of crap? I’ve drafted 3 posts, only to dump them again. Things change to quickly, I’m too close to the end of my contract with things that must happen and I’m unsure of a lot of things.
Time will tell.