There are a few similarities between my expensive new shoes and the current state of my relationship with K.
We look good togeter, it’s comfortable, but there is something that just doesn’t feel right. It’s strong in places, but weak in one or two others. Small places, but small places are important and weakness is annoying.
As if, somehow, it was just not meant for a Westerner. My mere presence seems to create pressure. There is a desire for my presence, but at a cost which could be too great.
But perhaps, like my new shoes, my relationship with K will just take some time getting adjusted to. That’s what yesterday’s post was all about.
A covert stab at China’s conservativeness, where seeing your girlfriend once in 8 days is not only acceptable, but it’s actually normal. Where two weeks or more (please God, don’t let it be much more) can pass without holding her, kissing her or even touching her hand.
Sometimes I feel so distant from her, like screaming, because I’m so far removed that nobody will hear me scream. Other times I feel that I crowd her, to a point that I will at any moment smother the very life force that sometimes burns within her so bright.
I struggle with the balance of giving her space and wanting to be with her. She works long days. She’s at work very early in the morning and often works till 8 or 9 or 10 o’clock when she has late classes. Once a week she has an open night.
On weekends, she’s so tired that she sleeps until midday. That is, if she doesn’t have classes, which often she has. So, she has very little free time. And many activities clammer for this precious, limited time. Shopping, relaxing, spending time with friends, the nagging boyfriend. It’s a balancing act, and I can’t blame her if I’m a low priority.
I’ve decided that the space I give her has to be relative to her time, not mine. I have lots of time. I told her today that I understand the pressures on her time and that I will try to be more patient and understanding. I’m in China afterall, I need to fit in with the culture, not the culture with me.
So, for her sanity and mine, should it be deemed that I can only see her once a week for a short time, I will have to take it. We both have to make decisions about each other; about what we can accept and what not. It’s not an easy road for either of us, but I think it’s substantially more difficult for her than it is for me.
It’s the price we pay for the choices we make.