As I’ve pain stakingly reposted my Blog from HTML pages that I could salvage from Google’s cache, I’ve had to read through most of it again. It’s a trip, I can tell you that. But, not exactly the adventures I wanted to write about.
Most of my adventures appear to be in the emotional realm and, damn, there’s a lot of emotional blogging in this Blog.
It was reading the entries from December and January that has made me feel especially stupid to Blog about my current situation of feeling very much in love again.
Looking back at the whole episode with The Waitress, my emotional struggle, promises to myself and betraying myself, I’m scared to face and write about my emotions of love again. Afraid that I will capture my current emotional euphoria, only for it to lead to dark and danky places, like has my previous threads of love.
I’m in a scary, if not dangerous, place. I’m in love with a woman, the first of her kind; somebody who is beautiful, attractive and popular and who is pursuing me. I’ve had to play so many emotional games with other people over the last period, do so much guess work, that I’m as smitten with her courage as I am with her beauty. I like this; I love it. I love her.
Scary, because I have 3 months left on my teaching contract, following which I will have to make some very difficult decisions.
My main goal is clear, and has to stay unchanged. Get as close to my son as possible. This I have to do, and whatever else I want to do has to fit in with this plan. But this is where it gets really complicated.
Over the last two weeks K and I have been sneaking around. Not sneaking sneaking as such, but you know the story at school by now: twitch a nerve and everyone down to the kitchen staff will ask you about it before your class is over. So we’ve been very discreet.
But last weekend we went up into the mountains, beautiful places that I’ve not known about before. Places that has made dusty, hazy old Shiyan a much more beautiful place. At these places we were a little more free to walk together and hold each other, of course, as far as we could stomach the uncomfortable stares of passers-by.
And virtually every night, after classes are over, we’ve stolen away to KFC (how romantic) for a coffee, an ice-cream or just some French Fries. Talking, giggling, whispering about nothing in particular. From there, she showed me a not-so-public path that leads parallel to the main road, but behind all the buildings along the river, which means it’s relatively quiet.
Here as well, every now and again, we could hug or hold hands, and meander our way home. And so I’ve fallen; hard, fast and deep, for this beautiful creature.
And there in lies the problem.
Do I keep some distance, hide some of my heart and enjoy a superficial relationship; or do I abandon all reason, throw my heart in at the deep end of love and border the edge of a painful death should everything not work out all rosy and bright.
Last night, I mentioned some of these fears to her, and her advice was also relax, and don’t worry so much about the future. Things will sort themselves out, trust her. I won’t read too much into that and perhaps take her advice.
I’ll enjoy this for as long as it’s meant to be enjoyed.